I really did not want to focus on the fact that today is nine months since Jason left us. But somehow, I got reminded. As I look back, I can see that yes, I did have the dark days early on to where I never thought I would ever be able to get through this awful trial. As I go back and re-read the other blog posts, I can see that yes, I am moving on even if it is at a pace of one step forward, two steps back at times. I have had my share of tears, but I have been having more good days than bad. I am remembering the good times and the wonderful memories that will never be stripped from me even if he has.
Today was a good day. I have not cried. I have laughed, sang to the radio with the kids and we looked at pictures of daddy. I know he wants me to be happy and today, I AM happy. Happpy that I was lucky enough to be a part of his life. Happy to get to be called his wife. Happy to be the mother of his children. Happy to have shared 12 years of my life with him---even though that time went all too fast.
I guess I am learning to accept the way things have turned out and am ready to move on with my Chapter 2 of Life. Yes, I have started to dip my feet in the scary world of dating. Its not easy though. When I inform a guy that yes I am widowed, they seem to freeze up as if it is a contagious and nasty disease they will catch. Wait, then I tell them I also have kids and that is a total deal breaker that sends some of them running. As I have learned, you will have several rotten eggs before you find the one golden one. I know when this happens, it is just Jason letting me know, move on, he is not the right one for you and the girls. I am taking things slow with the ones that don't fear the fact that yes I am widowed and yes I also have kids. We talk, we laugh, we cry about our lost spouses and we share our experiences together. Yes, I am talking to another wid and he too gets it. He gets the pain as he has been through it. I never thought I would ever want to join the dating world again, but I am finding I am ok with my choice to move on and I know Jason would want me to do the same. He has told me to "find happiness" and that is what I would like to do.
Thank you to my wonderful other wid friends who have given me much advice, love and support as I enter this next chapter of my life. I appreciate you all more than you will ever know as you truly do understand it all and are not judgmental when I tell you things. After all, we are all passengers on this one roller coaster none of us want to be on.
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