The last few months I have been reading guidance books on how I am supposed to be dealing with all that life has handed me lately. Last night I was sitting at work reading and some of the things I read were so powerful and before I knew it, there was a puddle of tears on my desk. Its so weird that one minute I am perfectly fine and actually smiling but then within the next sixty seconds I can be digging franctically for a tissue. It's not all tears all the time, but I do know Kleenex Corporation is probably happy that I am keeping them in business.
The books I am reading also reflect the religion in which I am a part of. Prayer has definitely helped me along this roller coaster ride of emotions. "Rather than simply passing through trials, we must allow trials to pass through us in ways that sanctify us. Thereby, our empathy, too, is enriched and everlasting." Neal A. Maxwell said that. I thought wow, I am looking at all of this the wrong way. I need to be learning of this experience and boy and I continually learning from it!
I have been feeling so guilty for the trialing times Jason and I had and also the times we said things we both later regretted. It makes me feel like the worst wife in the world knowing I had previously caused heartache to the man I loved and who was also my very best friend....afterall, he still is my very best friend even though he is no longer here physically. There is a section in which it says to go back in a journal and tell him of all the things you wished you had said to him before he died. Give yourself freedom to cry. So I sat down and started to write out all the things I would definitely want to say to him:
Jason, thank you for:
~being my best friend, you saw the good as well as the bad in me, but still stuck by my side through it all.
~your sense of humor- I really appreciated it when you were around and I appreciate it more now that you are gone. There are times I just sit and think about the dumb jokes and suddenly I find myself laughing out loud.
~ the talks we shared, some of which were really deep and thought provoking.
~ for being you.
~thank you for the beautiful little girls you gave me. I can still look at them and see parts of you. For this, I will be forever thankful.
I know that it is expected that I will be taken back in time when a sight, sound, smell or voice takes me by surprise. There are many songs I loved to sing to on the radio, but now I pay more attention to the lyrics. The one song that plays quite a bit lately is "If Tomorrow Never Comes" sung by Garth Brooks. If I could tell Jason one thing, it would be 'Yes, I know how much you loved me and will continue to love me.'
I also know that Heavenly Father does not interfere because He wants us to grow from what we experience here on earth. The Lord is not thinking of the moment, but of eternity. This is why I am trying so very hard to do as I was taught and make our family eternal by being sealed in the temple. I may not know why this had to happen, but in reading these grievance books, attending counseling, praying often is all helping me to cope the best I can even if at times I have a tear-stained face. But so what if I have a tear-stained face? It only means I am human and I am processing the steps of grieving. The one thing that really made me stop for a minute was the part that had a list of things to do to honor a loved one that has gone to the other side. I am going to be doing some of these things and quite soon. It also says who cares if the house is a mess and toys on the floor...take the time to make memories with your children as that is what they will remember when they are older looking back. So right now, I am going to make some memories with my children. Also a head's up for all the Roy residents. If you happen to see a lot of balloons being released on April 23rd, it is my children, family and I just making more memories.
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