I don't know how much more of this I can take. Lately it just one thing after another. I am not as strong as everyone sees I am. Today, I proved it to myself as I let the tears flow down my pale face. I feel so worthless today too. It seems that when I need people around me, that is the time most of them turn their backs.
Above is just part of the journal entry for tonight. Today was a hard day and it just got harder as the day went on. I hate to vent this out, but I really need to. I am so sick of people whether it be friends or family or some Joe-blow I don't know telling me if I need anything to just ask. Do people not realize that I am too dang stubborn to actually ask for help? I would much rather hold it all in until I finally explode....kind of like today. My stress levels are totally through the roof, and with everything going on, I am surprised I have not been admitted to the nut house yet. Quit saying I am strong... I am NOT. I am just really good at acting like I am so people do not worry about me. I feel bad when people worry about me as I feel like I am taking time away from what they need to get done.
Today I also was reminded of all the things I must do as a widowed mother and quite frankly, I am not looking forward to it. Why was I chosen to have to do all this? Why me? I know this is not the best attitude to have, but I am tired of faking it because I just really am not making it. I am tired of putting on a show just so everyone will leave me alone.
I sometimes wonder if it would have been better if Jason was the one that was still here and I was the one that got to go. It seems so unfair to me. Its just not unfair to me, it is also unfair to the young girls that I have been left to raise. I mean I totally hate having to do this all on my own. How do I respond when my five year old asks me "Mommy, I wish Daddy was here so he could come to **** with me, etc." She is going to miss the first Daddy/Daughter dances, the first Dads and Doughnuts at school, the little pep talk on how to ride a bike without training wheels, all the stuff that daddy's are supposed to teach their little girls. I guess it up to me to try and do these things all myself, but how awkward it would be for my daughter to have mommy there when everyone else has their daddy with them?
I don't even know why I am writing all this out. I guess I just need to let it out as it is obvious that I am holding it all in for way too long. I also got to thinking how I miss Jason so much. He was not only my husband, but he was and always will be my best friend. He made me a better person, mother and friend. He put a smile on my face when I needed it. He told the jokes at the most inappropriate times (afterall that is what made it the funniest). He held my hand when I need to be comforted. How I long to get that all back. I admit, I do hate being all alone, yet on the same note, I also feel as if I would be being unfaithful to Jason should I ever marry again, let alone enter the scary world of dating again. Right now, it is too soon anyway for me to even be thinking of my future in these terms. But I do admit I wish he was still here so we could continue the things we did as a married couple like the all-night pointless pillow talks, the little love notes he would tape to the steering wheel for me, the voicemail messages he left on my machine at work, and also the unexpected emails he would send me both at home and work. I really wish I could just hear his voice of him telling me "I love you honey." Unfortunately, I never recorded his voice...something I deeply regret.
Sorry for all the ramblings and not really having much of a topic and this was just more of a vent than anything. But thanks for reading it too.
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