Seven Months Already?!

I can’t believe it has been nearly seven months. It does not seem like it has been that long already. Wasn’t it just yesterday that I was getting a phone call saying “come trade me places, I am freezing out here.” Yes that was such a memorable night.  Jason stood outside of Sears most of the night on Thanksgiving to get a good deal on a front loading washer and dryer set. I was camped out at Wal-Mart for the door buster sales too. We had Taylor and Sissy with us and man; I bet they thought Uncle Jason would never shut up. I actually remember them saying they were going to buy some duct tape. LOL We were all so tired after the Black Friday shopping spree yet somehow Mr. Jokester found the energy to tell his stupid off- the- wall jokes even though we had been awake for well over 24 hrs.  We were sitting at breakfast tired and trying not to fall face first in our pancakes yet Jason was wide awake cracking jokes just as we were ready to face plant the scrambled eggs on our plate.  Hey honey, how is that stuttering cat of yours?

We all know Jason left way too early. I never ever thought that my life would end up the way it has. Yes, it has been changed since that dreadful morning last December. When I hear of other people losing their loved ones, I am taken back to that morning and it’s like the fresh pain is there once again.  It’s close to seven months now that I have been trying to survive, trying to adapt to all the changes. The holidays and significant dates are awful. Why was I forced to do this without him?  It’s not fair.  It should not be this way. What I would give to hear his belly laugh, the dumb new joke he heard that has the dumbest punch line, the sound of a Pepsi being opened for the sixth time that day, or seeing the kids head banging in the back seat of the car as Daddy turns up radio so louder as a song from Nickelback comes on the radio. It’s the little things I miss….we all miss it.

 There are often times that I sit and wonder and think to myself if I am doing everything right and if there is anything I should be doing that I am not.   Don’t get me wrong, it is hard from day to day with all that I am forced to do, but at the end of the day there are so many things that I rewarded with: things like when Morgan jumps up on my lap and says “Mommy” repeatedly until I say “what” even if I am looking at her just so she can tell me “I love you” as she throws her little arms around me.  I hear those three little words from her so often. Usually it is followed by a little kiss on the cheek.  Yes, I get so exhausted from it all too. I am to the point that I don’t care if the house is cluttered or there are dishes in the sink or laundry to be done. At the end of the day it only matters that I did the best I can to make the girls know I love them and so does their Daddy.