New Fears

After sitting and reading the previous blog postings, I can see for myself that some days are better than others.  So does that mean that just maybe I will learn and grow from this muchly (is that even a word?) not wanted experience I have encountered?   I know for a fact that this has changed me, not necessarily for the better some days, but I am trying.  I guess that is all that matters.

Life is getting a little bit easier for the girls and me.  We are getting into an easier and more relaxed schedule and have done away with some of the extra-curricular activities to try and simplify our quite crazy and hectic life.   We spend more time together as a family going on walks, talking about our much missed daddy, decorating his grave, going on drives up the canyon,  and sometimes doing silly and crazy things like having a tickle fights or belching contests (who knew little Morgan could out belch us all with a little chug of root beer?).  

I don’t really know how to put this into words, so please bear with me…. I hate the fact that we are still creating memories as family and Jason is not here to help create them with us. Both the girls and I miss him so much.   That being said, I also hate being alone all the time.  I long for what I once had when I was half of a “couple.”  I have been told to wait a year before moving on.  I can’t help but ask, do things magically change at the one year mark?  Will I suddenly be over this?  I highly doubt it.  I will never get over this, but I will eventually move on.  I do hope to one day be happy again, whatever that may be.  I do hope that one day I will be able to love someone the same way Jason loved me….unconditionally from the beginning to the end.  Am I replacing Jason? NO, never could I replace such a special and meaningful person to me and the girls.  I have to say thank you so much to Jason for making me the better person that I am for having the opportunity to not only know you, but also loving you as your wife and the mother of your children. 

Now, my next fear… when the time comes that I do want to actively pursue a relationship, how is my family going to react?  How will Jason’s family react? Will they be upset I want to love and be loved again?  Will they support my decision?  Will they harshly judge me for wanting this?   I swore up and down that I would never ever date again….ever.   It’s just that I keep having the same dream over and over of where Jason comes to me and says the same thing: ‘Please find happiness honey.’  I can’t help but wonder, why?  I can only wonder that Jason must know something that I do not, but what?  I guess my only option to truly know is to keep praying about and be guided to whatever is in store for me.