Letters to Heaven

The other day as I was driving to work, I was listening to the radio and the song "Letters From Home" came on.  I have never gotten emotional as I have listened to that song. Maybe its because I've never really paid attention to the lyrics, maybe its because I have lived away from my family for 19 months and didn't have many friends, maybe its because I have experienced the death of a spouse and it has forever changed me or maybe I was really listening to the lyrics for the very first time even though this song is a few years old now. Whatever the reason, as I drove to work, this song spoke to me like never before and I soon had tears streaming down my face and was ruining my perfect make-up job I had done earlier that morning.

This song got me to thinking---
Ok, letters from home. What exactly is home? Home could be where we live, where we feel most at peace, where we hate to be, or where we wish we were. To me, my final "home" will be Heaven. I believe death is not the end for me and life is just a pit stop to my home for eternity.  So if there are "letters from home" why not have "letters to heaven" being I consider my home to actually be heaven? I also know I can have a "home" on Earth and make it like heaven by the way I choose to live and how I raise my children and how I make choices. So where is "home?" What does home mean to you? Like I said, home to me is a Heavenly place. So back to the letters... I wanted to write a "Letter To Heaven."

I've never thought about writing a letter to heaven but today I am doing just that. Today, if I was to write a letter to heaven, I would definitely write to a few people. You see, I believe in life after death and Heaven is the final home for us. I would write a letter to all the children I have lost to miscarriage. I would as them how heaven is.  I know I would want to know if they were boys or girls as I lost them before I found out.  I would write a letter to my mom's parents thanking them for giving my mom life as without my mom, I would be here.  I would a letter to my aunts, uncles and cousins and tell them how much I miss them and catch them up on all they have missed---though I know they are still with our family spiritually. The longest letter that I would write though would be to Jason.. and I wanted to share that letter with you today.


***this is the part that if you are emotional, you might want to grab a tissue or two***

Dear Jason,

I don't really know how to start this letter, so bare with me please.  The other day I was driving to work and heard the song "Letters From Home" and it got me to thinking... what if I write a letter to heaven?  I know I really don't need to tell you how we have been because even after almost three years since you went to Heaven, we still feel your presence and we know you are watching over us.  So much has happened.  Gosh, just sitting here thinking about it now has been getting all teary- eyed.  I thought I was doing pretty good in coping with your untimely and unexpected departure from this life, but boy, am I so wrong.  I go days with doing so good, but them BAM I get hit with the stupid grief monster at the most unexpected times.  I know you are happy in heaven as you are now with your mom and grandpa.

I just wanted to write you a letter and tell you how we have been.  I remember shortly after you died, you kept appearing to me and the only things you would ever tell me was that I needed to "find happiness." I never really understood what you meant, and I kept asking you to clarify, but all you would do was just smile and whisper two words to me: "be happy" or "find happiness."  Well, I was ready to find happiness and be happy. I started dating again and I soon found a wonderful guy who I later married.  He has been so good for the girls.  In fact, he just adopted Kendra and Shaylee last month.  I am so glad that the nightmare of parent time, child support and the emotional crap is finally over.  Kendra and Shaylee are so much happier now!! You would be so proud of them! Kendra is starting to learn to drive and Shaylee is doing so well in school.  Both of them are so tall and *I* have to look up at them when I am talking to them.  Megan is sure growing up too.  She is so smart and absolutely loves to read.  I am pretty sure she got her love of books from you. Morgan is still a tiny thing and she always asks to come visit your grave.  I know we don't get out to the grave as much as we would like to, so I am promising myself we try to visit the cemetery more than we have been.  Morgan was baptized a few weeks ago and we could surely feel your presence there.  You may be in heaven now, but we also know you are still with us and are our guardian angel.

So, as I was saying, you kept telling me to "find happiness" or "be happy." Well, I can say I finally know what you meant by that now. You obviously know that I have remarried, but I still think about you.  You never got the chance to meet my new husband, RJ, but I know you two would be the best of friends.  He really is a nice guy and even has helped me hang pictures of you in the girls rooms.  I seriously know you have a part in us meeting. I don't know how, but I know yes you did.

Remember the day we got our patriarchal blessings? Well, I keep going back and reading yours then reading mine.  So many things that were so confusing then now makes sense.  I hope you are doing good in heaven and know you may be physically gone, but surely are not forgotten.  Megan wants to know, did you enjoy the balloons we have sent you? I also wanted to thank you for the two little girls you gave me.  They remind me so much of you. Megan is so smart and Morgan definitely has your sense of humor. Of course, you knew that being there was never a dull  moment with Megan and Morgan around.  We miss you and think of you often. Until we meet again, may you know you are still loved. Rest in peace Big J.

Jen

See how much they have grown?

We all "found happiness."