I Won't Let Go  (click on the I Won't Let Go) to hear the song.


The past few days have been hard for me...very hard.  Sunday afternoon, I was missing Jason so much I think my emotions have gotten me physically sick.  I spent most of Sunday night and part of today running to the sink to puke.  There is just something about puking in the toilet that I simply cannot bring myself to do.  Talk about gross. 

Last night after I put the kids to bed, I was laying bed and I decided to just let the tears flow.  I am human and can't keep them in any longer.  This morning when the alarm clock went off to get the kids up for school, a song was on the radio that seems to always be playing.  I used to love this song, but now with everything that has happened, it seems to kind of make me stop and think and sometimes makes me cry. 

 The song is Rascal Flatt's "I Won't Let Go."  On average, I hear this song 4-5 times a day.  I can't help but wonder if this is Jason's way of acknowledging that I am going through a painful and hard time?  The last few days have seemed to be harder than others, but I should be happy as a lot of good things are happening for me lately: this is the last week of school for the kids so no more having to get up at a certain time to go get them from school, we get to spend more time together, and the house is starting construction.  I mean I should be happy right? But I'm not.  Jason should be here to celebrate this success with me...and he's not.  It hurts, it hurts bad. 

Last night as I went to get into bed, I found a quarter in bed.  Weird, I know.  But did I ever tell you that the following weeks after he went to Heaven, my mom and I were cleaning up my bedroom and I kept finding quarters?  You know that saying "pennies from heaven?" Well, I seem to get quarters from heaven.  That day we cleaned my bedroom, we found over $60 in quarters, I kid you not. 

I went to bed and when I woke up this morning, I got out of bed and stepped on two more quarters that were on the floor.  I know they are not the same quarter I found in my bed as I put that one in my purse.  I was then doing some laundry and found more quarters in the washer and dryer. 

As I am sitting here typing this out, a strong sense of the smell of roses is coming over me.  It took me awhile to figure it out, but when I mentioned this to the kids, Morgan had to remind me: 'remember Mommy, we put roses in daddy's hands before we closet the basket.' (she calls the casket a basket).  The same scent come over me last night as I laid in bed crying myself to sleep. 

With all of this happening, I can't help but to think that this is Jason's way of telling me he is here to help me through these difficult times.  What I would give to just be able to have him wrap me in the comfort of his loving arms once more.  Last night I was also able to hear his voice.  It was so comforting to hear even though it was a short five words.  I kept playing it over and over again and sat with a tear stained face.  What I would give to just hear his voice for longer than five words.  I know he is here to help me with the hard time and he "won't let go."